A Journey From There to Here

Dear best friend,

Have you read my writing here? https://forevernikn.wordpress.com/2013/07/13/catatan-perjalanan-ke-bandung-tahun-2004/

I found this writing in my MINDPIECE folder in my hardisk. I opened it, read it and smiled at myself; smiled at the thought of going alone to Bandung to get some peace of mind or to get rid my bad luck or my bad temper. I don’t know if it’s working but I felt very tired that day; very consumed of my own thought and spent the day just talking to myself about the whole changes happened in my life.

You were not married yet, right? We were the restless souls. I think we are still restless souls but in a different situation and level. Isn’t it funny?

I remember we were talking at food stall near your housing complex, near Lebak Bulus bus station. Your treat. It was great just to be able to remember it; remember the moment that means a lot to me.

It was the moment of truth. I just got back from Paiton, jobless, my parents were dissapointed, I didn’t go back home, and I was confused of what my life would be. Not only that, I was full of anger, self-hatred, near break-down, don’t know which NEXT button I should press nor I can find any NEXT button. I felt like I need to break or punch something. Those emotions just built up in my chest. I tried to find ways to release them one at a time. I was very exhausted and pointless.

I was dissapointed that you couldn’t come with me to Bandung. Your present would mean a lot for me. I chose to going anyway because I badly need to physically run myself out, before I burned out. It was very hard to lived with myself. Moreover, faced my parents. They have different way of seeing sexual harrassment and I can’t argue them or stand up for myself.

It was tough time for me. I don’t know if you realized that at that time.

After one month at Ira’s house, my mother asked me to come home. I was little bit calm down, maybe because I was emotionally tired. It was tough to go back home but something just tell me that I need to face it rather than hide and running away from it. I prayed things will get better. It was not easy but as I know it, it is a history now. I have made it. For all the challenges, emotionally drained tears, anger, and emptiness, I made it.

I am so grateful, I am so proud of myself and I want to thanked you for sitting with me for the whole episodes of those crucial moments.

It was great to have someone to watch my back. You don’t need to be there all the time. Just be there and be reachable, that’s enough. I have came long way to get here. I was afraid that I couldn’t make it. I was very afraid that it might end up worse than the one I have today. It was an amazing journey to see from there to here. Wow!!

Malang, 14 Juli 2013


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