Pengetahuan-Saya

Being a virgin


I always interested to write about myself to know more about myself. This time I want to write about virginity. I consider myself as a virgin before I got married because I see virginity as something physical not psychological. My husband said he was a virgin. I left the honesty test to him. My story is mine. I let him bother about himself.

I married when I was 31 year-old, two months before my 32nd birthday. My husband only 1.5 year older than me. I was a virgin in term that I haven’t had penetration sexual relationor coitus with a partner. Other than that, I was experiencing some kind of other pleasure. So if someone, say a friend or a partner, said that he/she is a virgin, think that they probably want to say something different to you.

I used to puzzle on the experience of someone bring pleasure to his/herself. I never heard about masturbation, let alone knowing and exploring my own body. Like, why bother, what for. I, like the rest of the world population, take for granted my amazing body. I never take a second or third look at it. It is as it is.

Things happen to my body. Sexual desire was there when I was 7 or 8 year-old. I had wonderful sexual pleasure with broom stick and recreate intercourse scenes in my imagination. I began to enjoy touching my breasts. It brought a lot of pleasure, still is. I thought it was normal until the masculinity myth-hegemony thrusted into my head through mass media and religious teaching. They told many taboos and new kind of normative sexual pleasure that I began to questioned the pleasure I had. I began to discipline my hands from exploring my body. I tried to ignore the nature calling.

I stayed virgin for religious and normative reason. In a system where I live, being a virgin is about making sense and playing the game. It still is a man’s land. Being promiscous usually spell more trouble to women than men. I wasn’t a rebellious kind and I was too busy questioning many things. I hate to cross the line without knowing the history behind the line and the reason I should cross the line. But only a few people would talk about the line and I didn’t have access to it.

I used to curious about drugs. Some of Junior High friends tried it. I could have tried it but I don’t know why I felt the need to learn about drugs before I use drugs, which is stupid. Although then I learned that it has saved me from future trouble.

Same thing happen with sex, the coitus. I used to do petting with some girlfriends. It was fine and wonderful. I was looking for a comfortable sexual pleasure. It won’t help me to enjoy sex if I feel guilty or rush about it. I don’t want to be pushed into a penis-lover some sort. Like a religion, you fuck it if you believe in it.

Safety was another reason I stayed virgin. I don’t think many men know much about safety, his safety and my safety, in sexual relationship. Talking about the line, masculinity myth, masturbation, and safety before you got into an actual intercourse are often too much for those who think sex as sex per se.

You can cross the line if you know your line. Pray you’ll find it.

Malang, 26 February 2013

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