I almost stop there. After wrote the title, I paused long time to think what it meant for me. My mother keeps me update about my father condition. It will be something serious. Outside, my father is a strong and firm figure. Inside, he is having diabetes, digestive problem, chest-pain, and kidney.
Our relationship was never quite close. He was always in the move when I was a child. He was busy to be a tough-head-of-the-family-man. He had his own masculinity standard that he wanted to reach. He wanted to be a proud father and always share stories about his children. He was acting as the leader and demand to be treated that way.
It was only few years behind that he started to change a little and realized the heavy burden of his masculinity standard. My father was a policeman, a powerful one and enjoy that power because it served him the masculine image he wanted. I often see my father guard and cling to that power as a way of being. As if he is scared to be vanished and unrespectful without that power. I think he mixed up the idea of being feared and being loved.
He is always be my lovely father but that doesn’t mean I agree to his exploitation of power in the personal and public domain. Probably he has difficulty in distinguished his own family, neighborhood, and the criminals. It is hard to face the harsh reality in the street. My father was a traffic policeman. He was raised in a strict discipline at home and in the police academy to find the rules are only rules. My father is a thinker and he loved to write. Sadly, he has not been able to develop his passion. Often, I felt his stress and desperation which he expressed in anger that set the distance between us.
My love for my old man is sincere. He hardly pressed me into a decision or decide something without my approval. He allowed me to chose any school, department, job, place of living, etc. I assume that he believe me; he knows me. We share some personal traits that often put us in conflict. He often worries about me because he knows I am a reckless. We both share the same restless heart. Either way, we know we love each other. My lovely man.
Medan, 4 Februari 2009